The Disorienting Flow
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: Swan Queen Week day 2: Linked Minds During their fight in 'The Miller's Daughter' Cora casts a spell that link Emma and Regina's mind. Emma gets an overwhelming glimpse at Regina's life.


Regina's mind is dark and lonely. It is a grim place and Emma doesn't like it. Her own mind is bombarded by memories that frighten and depress her. She didn't even know how it happened. Not exactly anyways. One minute she was fighting Cora Mills—as Regina took her go at Mary—the next her mind was twisting and weaving into Regina's. She suspected that it was Cora's doing.

It was at first only a dizzying, disorienting sensation but that quickly swelled into something much worse; a throbbing headache but only in the most vague sense. She could hear the throbbing in the form of way too many voices talking way too fast and maybe in reverse.

She glanced up, fully expecting Regina and Cora to be upon her. But Regina was slumped against a desk with a hand to her head and Cora was just standing idly by watching her chaos unfold.

It was strange to Emma, that—when Regina's memories first began flooding in—the first thing she thought was, _how could Cora sacrifice her daughter like that?_ A very faint clue as to why Regina was…Regina was beginning to settle in. She couldn't imagine that Cora was any brand of loving, couldn't imagine that Cora was any form of a good role model.

In her brain, Emma could feel Regina fighting…struggling to un-bridge their minds. To sever the connection. But the magical ropes tethering them together seemed to be made of solid, unscratchable platinum.

So, unabashed by Regina's efforts, the first memory unfolded.

And it did so powerfully.

She was just a child.

She was happy. _Was_ happy.

It was supposed to be a good day.

But instead she was weeping. Weeping to herself in a corner. Her father had gone for the day, on some hunting trip with a band of friends. She had wanted to tag along and he would have let her. But her mother hated the thought of a perfect lady— _lady_ , Emma thought, _Regina was barely ten_ —spoiling her attire and her hair. It left a sour taste in the saviors mouth to know that Regina wasn't kept from the hunt as a safety concern but rather as a means to keep her from getting her clothing dirty.

But that wasn't what had made her cry. No, she was sobbing because her mom utilized their quality time to berate her. Emma saw it in her mind's eye; Regina's little hand reaching for a particularly tasty looking cookie that left Emma's own mouth watering. With dread she noticed the glass that Regina hadn't. Her stomach churned as the little girl grabbed the cookie and knocked the glass over. It was a full cup at that. The raw dread that rose within the child was overbearing and the shadow of her mother as she stood, even more so. Emma couldn't feel the slap but she could feel the hurt in Regina's heart.

The image was gone and replaced by a second before, the grief could truly set in.

Regina was older now, maybe thirteen. She was trembling in a dress that looked awkward and uncomfortable. The two emotions were very heavy in Regina and Emma could feel them in full. It was hard for her to walk in such a ridiculously bulky gown. In the back of Emma's—Regina's?—mind she knew that the queen-to-be hated the dress for everything it was; the gross salmon color, the over the top glitz, and that awful poofy shape. It didn't suite her it all.

It suited her just about as well as the man her mother was forcing her to talk to. There was a sour smell about him, Emma was thankful that she couldn't actually pick up the scent. He had his hand on her waist and she was smiling the fakest smile Emma has ever seen. It is lopsided and forced, Regina's face is flushed.

She was so relieved when that memory bled into a third.

That relief was premature, the third memory was worse still. At first it was only a swirl of words; ugly, awful, useless, alone…it was a steady and endless flow of unkind words. And they were all her own and all directed at her. It, surprise, surprise Cora who sparked he stream with commentary along the lines of, "don't wear that, you'll look like a man." Or, "how many of those have you eaten already." And of course an abundance of, "this is why you're going to be alone." She had been at a dinner party, high end no doubt. Emma was beginning to get the sense that Cora enjoyed shaming Regina in font of as many people as possible. With each and every comment, Emma could feel Regina's insecurity seeping through and taking over until she was simply sitting quietly and timidly. Quietly and dwelling on the rude remarks with a very heavy focus on her physical traits and how she had begun to hate most of them. Emma couldn't understand in the slightest, Regina was a very pretty girl.

The fourth image was more tolerable. She was still sixteen but very clearly tipsy. She had a friend and she felt alive. Giddy almost, it was a relief to Emma, who thought that she was going to have to endure more second-hand embarrassment. Dread crept into Emma, she prayed silently that Regina's over-indulgent drinking wouldn't lead to any mishaps. At the same time she found it hard to stay focused, there was a part of her that too was disoriented but only in the vaguest sense. Emma thought that Regina might have drank more because the memory got progressively fuzzier until she was met with a fifth memory.

And the fifth was the worst yet. Emma was now viewing the interior of a stable. It was deceptive, Emma would come to find as she watched Regina's fingers trace the lines of a man—her lover?'s cheek. Her lips found his and her heart leapt. He was her lover, Emma decided to herself, she wondered what went wrong.

She had a feeling she'd be finding out very shortly.

She was so happy. Her smile was so bright, perhaps one of the brightest smiles Emma had ever seen. Emma thought of the mayor she knew so well that venomous scowl, those stern expressions. It was both strange and amazing to see her so happy. Surreal, Emma decided, that was the right word.

The only thing that ever came close to the sparkle she had in her eyes during this memory were those moments where she looked upon Henry.

But the moment faded and Regina's expression grew dim, she was asking him to runaway with her and Emma's stomach knotted again, she couldn't name a single instance where running away had worked out for someone much less a couple.

She wanted to reach out and tell Regina to either hurry the hell up or forget about the plan all together, but that would be just about as fruitful as screaming at a television screen. She could do nothing but watch as the stable door swung open and a familiar silhouette appeared in its frame. It is a figure that seems to strike fear and helplessness into Regina, a figure Emma has also learned to dread.

Emma knew it before it happened that the man holding Regina was going to die.

It was worse than Emma expected. To see a heart ripped out right in front of her was terrifying. And even more so to know that it really happened, to know that Regina had seen it first hand and the image was burned into her memory. That it was probably the image that haunted her and fueled the dark curse. The pained and shocked expression on the man's face when he saw his heart beating outside of his body, Emma doesn't think that it will leave her either. The pain and fear is so vivid and so genuine.

The memory to follow was horrific as well, she didn't think that it would have been possible. And yet…

Regina holding her father's heart was infinitely more horrifying than seeing Cora holding the stable boy's. Emma had only a fleeting moment to hope that Regina wouldn't crush the man's heart before she did exactly that. A swell of powerful and unchecked emotions whirred inside Regina for the rest of that hollow, lonely night. That, Emma had come to learn, was when Regina decided that she truly had no one.

That she never would have anyone.

Just like her mother had remarked ages before.

In some sense the more recent memories were easier to cope with. She could sense that the former mayor was just as dismal, but nothing particularly traumatizing had come up. The most jarring the memories got after that one was upon Emma's own arrival. Regina was beginning to feel Henry's scorn in full. She had sensed that she was losing him. Every time he evaded a hug or firmly stated that Emma was his only and _real_ mom Regina seemed to fall deeper into a state seclusion. Emma sensed desperation, but only as much as Regina recalled feeling it. She felt a disconnect and a near resignation. Without this merging of their minds, Emma wouldn't have guessed that Regina was about to just give up and let Henry go. Clear as day in the woman's mind unfolded an image of her lounging in her loveseat staring off. She had just sent Henry off to school. It kept crossing her mind to just let him go because he would never love her if his real mother was around.

Emma recognized the outfit she was wearing, it was the one she'd worn when handing her the turnover that would nearly kill Henry.

Just as she would have never guessed that Regina almost let Henry go, she could have never imagined that the woman felt guilty over anything that didn't concern Henry. But she did, as it would seem, she felt awful all the time. It was a constant stream that only seemed to swell as Emma neared the present day. Underlying that—no, right beside that—was a sense of very deep self-loathing. For as much as Regina hated everyone in Storybrook, Emma was getting the sense that, the former queen detested herself on a deeper level.

And so came the final memories, ones that were so recent it was jarring. Jarring to see things from Regina's point of view. There was an indescribable fear at the howl of the wraith. A twisted sense of joy and hope in seeing herself fall alongside her mother through the portal from Jefferson's hat. Emma's stomach churned at the sight of herself falling, it brought back unsavory memories of her own. There was a sense of power to follow—Emma noted that the mayor had been on a power trip really, storming into the town hall and stealing Henry back among other things. And then the remorse filtered in and suddenly Henry was going home with David and she was crumpled up on her mattress feeling emptier than perhaps ever. Emma was practically begging to leave the woman's mind, it was hurting her so terribly.

There was a fleeting moment of bliss. It came after watching herself climb from the well with Mary in tow. Up until then was a time of intense stress and anticipation. She was so afraid at the prospect of her mother coming to Storybrook—not that Emma could fault her for that, even before linking with Regina she understood perfectly what there was to fear. She had been worried enough to let Gold convince her to try to kill whoever came through the well. The terror held as she approached the well. More concerningly to Emma was the dash of relief that washed over Regina when staring down what could have killed her. A searing pain rocked Emma's mind there was a blank moment and then a blurry visual of she and Mary arriving.

"Um, your mom, she's... she's a piece of work, you know?" Her own words find her ears and then Regina replies, "Indeed, I do. Welcome back."

It registered that Regina felt like she was making progress. And then came an sublime wash of hopefulness when, hours later, Henry noted that she did change while wrapping his arms around her. It was so, so short lived though. Emma hadn't even considered that it hurt her when they all walked out of Gold's shop hand in hand, without her. Gold, being ever helpful had been quick to note, "Congratulations. You just reunited mother and son. Maybe one day they'll even invite you for dinner." Emma's stomach clenched. The glimmer of happiness she felt at Emma's eventual invitation was just as short. It died when they thought that Archie did. After that memory had played Emma found herself feeling awful that she had written Regina off so fast, maybe not as fast as everyone else, but very quickly after seeing the false evidence. God, no wonder Regina had come into their fight so viciously angry.

Their fight!

Just like that, Emma found herself untangled from Regina's mind, laying on the floor of Gold's shop, breathing hard. She wondered if Regina had gotten mixed up in any of her memories.

She couldn't help but steal a glance at the clock. All of that had happened in an instant. Maybe no more than a minute before Regina finally found the willpower and magical strength to expel her. But she could see it in Regina's wide eyes that she had seen to much, that she now knows too much. And the woman looks venerable. Just like the teenage girl Emma had seen. The way Regina continued to look at her was just awful, it made her heart clench. She knew that she wasn't supposed to have seen or known any of that. She knew that Regina was wholly uncomfortable and exposed, she got the dimmest sense of it as the link faded.

"Regina…" She didn't know what to say beyond that.

And Regina withdrew, propping herself up against the nearest wall and brining her legs up to her chest. Emma looked around the shop, Cora was mercifully gone, no doubt Regina had been the distraction. The sacrifice that she was willing to make in order to make her grand escape.

"Regina, hey." She placed a hand on her shoulder but she didn't look up from her arms. "I'm sorry, I really thought…I don't think that you're a bad person." She had no idea where she was going with that. So she dropped the apology and took a different route. "You didn't deserve any of that."

Regina turned her head only slightly to peer at Emma. "Didn't I…"

"Well, maybe some of it." Emma admitted. "But not everything. I don't know how you do it."

"How I do what?" She asked. Emma didn't miss the slight tremble in her voice. She thought that Regina's cheeks looked a little damp.

"Keep moving on I guess."

Regina shrugged. "I don't know that I can for much longer."

Emma attempted a soft smile. "Sure you can, Regina. You don't have to side with your mother you know." She thought of taking Regina's hand, but decided against it. They weren't on that level, hell they probably weren't even on speaking terms until just now. "I made a mistake." She paused. "Assuming you killed Archie, I mean."

"Henry, he thinks…"

"He has seen Archie, he knows that you didn't do it."

"So what then, I'm just going to go home with you and we're going to have another dinner party and…"

Emma cut her off. "No, nothing like that."

That time Regina cut in, "we are not discussing what you saw."

"I figured as much." Emma sighed. But she could see it in Regina's eyes that she did want to talk about it, at least a little. "How about this, we'll go say hi to Henry and see where things go from there?"

She saw Regina tug on her jacket and slightly shift positions.

"Come on." Emma got to her feet and extended her hand.

To her surprise, Regina took it.

She helped the woman to her feet, with hopes that she would continue to take the helping hand she would continue to hold out.


End file.
